


At Least I Can Pretend

by ArcherAnders



Series: Archer and Anders [1]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, Humor, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-09-06
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 11:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcherAnders/pseuds/ArcherAnders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders loves Hawke. Hawke loves Anders. Both are oblivious. When talking about their sex lives, Hawke reveals he's been with a prostitute at the Blooming Rose. Anders finds said prostitute. The boys finally get together and relive it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Least I Can Pretend

_This is the last time I'm doing this,_ Anders thought to himself as he helped a very drunk Hawke back to his estate. It seemed like this had become an all-too common occurrence, and the mage was tiring of it quickly. It wasn't that he minded helping the warrior. What he minded was how close he had to be to steady him during the long walk from the Hanged Man back to Hightown.

For nearly three years, Anders had done his best to remain somewhat distant from his dark-haired leader. In the past, it hadn't been so hard to ignore the strong, sarcastic man. He was always able to pass off Hawke's flirtatious remarks as nothing at all. In fact, he would have worried if a moment or so passed without the warrior blurting out something of the sort directed at anyone with a pulse. It was just how the man was. But as of late, Hawke had been different – needy even- something the mage never would have expected from a fearless leader and the Champion of Kirkwall. Hawke made a point to visit Anders at the Darktown clinic several times a week. He had even asked the mage to accompany him on more missions than he had in the past. And worst of all, Hawke had begun drinking himself into a drunken state multiple times a week, often needing help just getting out of his chair. Why Fenris, who lived right down the road, didn't accompany the man back to the Amell estate, Anders didn't know. And how he ended up being Hawke's escort was an even bigger mystery.

If Hawke could simply stand up straight, the walking back wouldn't be so much of a problem for Anders. It was the fact that he needed to be held tight by the mage to get one foot in front of the other. As they walked, Hawke would drunkenly slur about this or that, always with his hot breath searing the exposed skin of the mage's neck. Under the heavy smell of liquor, Anders could still smell the distinctive musk of the warrior. And that was something that made the mage's cock twitch with desire when they were this close, without fail.

Sometimes Anders wasn't even really sure why he tried to remain distant from the man he held tight, still walking down a cobblestone street. He was everything Anders desired – a man completely the opposite of himself…or at least his current self. He had a hard time remembering who he really was before Justice. But he knew that he had at least had a wonderful sense of humor. There was also an earring, but that wasn't the point. He wasn't fun any more. Nor was he particularly brave, or charming. Hawke on the other hand; he was all of these things. Yet, somehow it all didn't matter. Anders had long ago given up on the desires of romance, love, or even a good time, for that matter. Justice and he were one. And nothing could get in the way of their revolution.

"…and 'en I sliced his fuckin' face off! Juss like that…Maker, it was quite the party!" bragged Hawke. Anders rarely listened to the other man at times like these. It was hard enough keeping the far heavier man on his feet and all the while concentrating on composing himself. _Why does he have to smell so fucking good?_

Even if it weren't for Justice, nothing would be different. Hawke showed no interest in Anders. Those flirtatious remarks meant nothing. Anders was helpful for healing, so obviously he would be needed for more missions eventually. And Hawke could have anyone he wanted, given his sexual reputation. There were tumbles quite often, the mage had heard, but never a relationship. No, there probably was no person that could ever satisfy the warrior's needs. Fuck 'em, and leave 'em. The mage supposed it wasn't the worst policy one could have. Hawke was attracted to women, something Anders just wasn't able to understand. He supposed that he'd rather just get the job over with and leave right after as well if it came to that. But even in another world where Hawke was actually attracted to men, why would he be attracted to a mage that could hardly afford to eat and didn't get around to bathing that often? Regardless, Anders wouldn't want to be just another brief encounter for the warrior. Relationships never really lasted in the Circle, and his with Karl was far too brief. If Justice was out of the picture, if Anders could allow himself more than the occasional tug and release in the privacy of his own clinic, he would want something substantial and real.

"If it weren't so late, I'd have half a mind to just set you down, knock on the door, and leave. That way Bodahn could just deal with you," Anders said as he helped the man up the steps to his estate. He hadn't heard the bell chimes in a while, but the last he could remember, it was past three in the morning. "Now get your key and go inside. Some of us don't have the luxury of taking a 'sick' day tomorrow."

Hawke pulled his head up to look at the mage, his blue eyes so piercing even in the low light. "'kay, then where's the key?"

Anders raised an eyebrow at the warrior. "If I had to guess, I'd say in your pocket. If not there, then your arse."

"Oh, snarky tonight, are we?" teased Hawke. "Well you'd better start giving me a cavity search to find it. My hands are of absolutely no use."

 _I can think of a few uses for your hands…and your mouth._ Anders shook the thought away. With a sigh, he struggled to keep the warrior standing while he searched his pockets. His hand grasped onto something long and hard, and unfortunately not an erection. With the brass key in hand, he opened up one of the large double doors to the estate. He then forcefully pulled the warrior inside, taking an immediate right into the lounge. Anders pushed Hawke onto one of the large, velvet couches and stepped back. At least this time he didn't feel sore. It would seem he was developing some muscle tone from hauling the warrior back all of these times.

"You're just going to leave me here?" pouted Hawke. "But my bedroom is allll the way upstairs!" He sounded just like a child. A very loud one.

"Oh, Maker, do be quite, Hawke. Do you want to wake everyone up?"

"Everyone's gone," the warrior stated. He sounded remarkably in control of his words considering the slurs Anders had briefly heard on their way here. "Mother is with Gamlen. Bodahn and Sandal are taking a well-deserved break. And Aveline stole my beloved dog, _again._ You can't trust gingers, Anders."

Anders was a little taken aback by the whole thing. Now Hawke was talking as though he'd only drunk a quarter of what he's said he had. "Well then," he stated sternly. "You seem to have miraculously sobered up enough, so you can manage to get yourself all the way up the stairs to your bedroom. I'll just be going then." He started to turn back towards the door when Hawke's deep, melodic voice grabbed his attention.

"Maybe you just have that kind of effect on people. Someone should really alert the Chantry. Mages are now miracle workers." The crooked smile on his face was horribly distracting.

"Or perhaps you've just started drinking so much that you're building up a tolerance," the mage retorted. "You should really consider slowing down. You're so young, Hawke. Far too young to drink yourself to death."

"You talk as if you're so much older than me. What, you've got maybe 5 years on me, tops? _Four year, 3 months, and 23 days,_ thought Anders. "The way you act is what makes you seem so much older." Hawke could barely finish his sentence before the mage had stepped forward, glarring at him with a snarl.

"The way I act, is it? Being responsible for myself…taking care of others? Yes I suppose things like that would make me seem far older than an overgrown boy like you. I care about things far greater than myself!" Brilliant cracks of blue quickly appeared over the skin of the mage's hands, neck, and face. And almost as soon as they came, they disappeared. Anders looked down, almost embarrassed.

Hawke stood up and dared to place one of his large, rough hands on the mage's shoulder. The feathered pauldron beneath his fingers nearly tickled. This night - morning, he supposed – was not going as he had hoped at all. In all truth the warrior had become accustomed to drinking far too much. But he needed a distraction from the pain he felt every time he looked at the blonde-haired, honey-eyed mage that stood before him. Nearly three years of yearning for this man, and his advances not even slightly reciprocated. It was dreadful, and Hawke was determined to have some sort of contact with Anders, even if it was just being held upright on a drunken walk home.

Tonight he had hoped could at least be a little different. Anders had shown up quite late to their group's usual visits to Varric's room at the Hanged Man. Hawke had been drinking, but the amount he claimed to consume was far more than the truth. He just wanted to remember the closeness they would share as Anders helped him back home. And maybe once they were back at the estate, carefully made to be clear from all others this night, they could simply sit and be alone together. They could just talk, as friends, since clearly Anders wasn't interested in him. Perhaps then Hawke could at least figure out the reason the mage was so against his advances, and then there may be some sort of closure.

Anders looked over at the hand upon his shoulder and then up at its owner. There was a certain sadness in those blue orbs, something he had only seen after Bethany had been taken away. He appreciated the gesture. It was sincere and kind; unexpected.

As nice as it was, Anders gave a weary smile and stepped back. "I apologize, Hawke. I must get back. I'm sure I'll have plenty of patients to see tomor-"

"Can't you just stay Anders?" Hawke interrupted. "Take a day for yourself every once and a while. Just sit and talk. And later on you can sleep in my room. I can take my mother's bed."

As much as he loved the idea, the mage protested. "Sit and talk? Really, at this hour? Surely you'll be better off if you just get some rest. You had so much to drink."

The warrior groaned. "I barely had a pint. Besides, you don't seem tired at all. Why do you always avoid me?" There was a hint of desperation in his last words.

Anders ignored this and thought back to his first statement. "'Barely a pint'? Then why in the fade would you need my help getting back here?"

"Maybe I just wanted to be alone with you. You always shoo me away when I go see you at the clinic."

For all of the sweet undertones of Hawke's confession, Anders could only be infuriated by what he believed it insinuated. "You mean to tell me that you pretended that you were wasted to get me back to your home? So then what? You could have your way with me like you do everyone else and then that's it?" Had Justice not been so confused by what was going on, he would have probably made an appearance.

Hawke's furrowed his brow in confusion. He stood still, watching the mage as he paced over to the fireplace on the opposite side of the room. Finally he gathered the courage to speak. "W-what in the name of the Maker are you talking about, Anders?"

Anders whipped around to look at the warrior. "You know damn well what I mean! I hear the stories about you. Champion of Kirkwall…more like the Champion of every bed in Kirkwall! You sleep with everyone! Don't think I don't notice the salves that go missing from my clinic!" The mage slapped the palm of his right hand against his forehead. "The real reason you come to the clinic so often, isn't it? Sleeping around does have its downsides." The blonde man groaned, so frustrated that he could hardly think of the words to continue with. "You…it's not just…and not only that…"

If anyone would have walked into the room at this moment and looked at Hawke, they would have thought he had seen a ghost. His skin was naturally quite pale, but his face was as white as his smallclothes. He couldn't begin to think of words to say as Anders finally gathered his thoughts.

"…and you don't even like men! What, you thought you'd just pick on the poor, fucked-up mage from Darktown to experiment with? Not this mage, you fucking prick. I have half a mind to-"

And with that, Hawke walked over to the barely smaller man to interrupt him. Words were never the warrior's strength, so he figured he do the next best thing: he punched him square in the jaw.

Anders fell to the floor, no match for the mighty blow. Hawke stepped over him and stared down at the mage. The scowl on his face nearly hurt the Anders as much as the punch did. "Don't you dare talk of things you have no clue about, mage," Hawke warned. The warrior stepped away from him and walked over to a cabinet on the opposite wall. He crouched down to open the doors and pulled out two small glasses and a crystal pitcher filled with bourbon. He stood up, filled the glasses, and waited for the mage to collect himself before shoving a glass in Anders' hand.

Hawke, scowl still displayed on his face, sat back on the couch where was planted earlier and drank the liquid in a single gulp. Anders did not drink, but decided that tonight would have to be the exception. He took a single swig before he sat down on a chair near Hawke. The bourbon singed the back of his throat, almost making him forget about the sting on his jaw. For whatever reason, he didn't feel it was appropriate to heal away the pain.

No words were spoken between the men for what seemed like an eternity. But their eyes were locked on each other the entire time.

"What were you talking about?" Hawke finally asked. The anger in his face had subsided, but the intensity in his gaze remained. He was genuinely confused about the situation.

Anders finished off the horrible liquid and placed the glass on a side table to the left of his chair. He thought carefully before he spoke. "I just don't understand why you brought me here." Obviously that was hardly an explanation for his previous accusations, but the mage wasn't sure what he could say without angering the other man.

"I told you," Hawke said. "I just wanted to talk. We're never really alone, and I thought we were friends. Friends hang out."

Anders scoffed. "Friends hang out without tricking each other into doing so. There aren't ulterior motives. I can't help but think that way considering your-" The mage turned his gaze away from the warrior. "-your sex life."

Hawke was annoyed, but not quite to the point of wanting to punch the other man again. "My sex life. I don't know what stories you've been told, but I can count the number of partners I've had on a single hand. And you should talk! I thought everyone was kissing everyone else in the Circle."

The warrior's words had confused Anders. Often he had heard of the Champion's sexual prowess, and nothing said had ever indicated anything less than dozens, if not hundreds, of sexual escapades.

"That's…well, surprising," Anders admitted. "I had heard otherwise."

"You must have," Hawke spat back. "My 'sex life,' if you must call it that, is incredibly unimpressive. I've only been with four people. I've fooled around a little more in my younger years, but certainly not like you must have with all those frustrated apostates." This last bit he said with a smile.

"We are not going to turn this conversation into a discussion of my own sexual encounters," stated Anders. He felt like such a hypocrite. There had been rumors of his own sex life as well, all very inflated, much like that of Hawke's, apparently. Fooling around with other boys was an almost-daily occurrence when he was younger. Once he met Karl, he dedicated all of that energy into him. But Karl was taken from him before they'd actually had the chance to really be together. After that, Anders didn't dare give away his heart. Sure, he'd messed around in his days as a Warden as well, but never completely giving himself up. Sebastian would be proud of Anders for this, but it was something he didn't want to share. He simply couldn't let the world know that he was, in fact, a virgin.

A low chuckle escaped Hawke's lips. He smiled at the mage. "If I'm sharing mine, you're sharing yours."

Anders gulped and quickly stood up to retrieve the crystal containing the bourbon. He refilled both of their glasses and kept the remaining liquor close. He'd need it if he was going to get through this.

"You first," said Hawke.

"I," started the mage. He would have to just lie his way through this. "I can't deny the things that go in the Circle. Sexual activities are like recreational sports over there."

The thought stirred something in Hawke's loins. He crossed one leg over the other just in case the discussion became too heated. "And?" he pried.

"And I was there. You do the math," Anders responded. "I couldn't possibly give you a number." There was no doubt that the mage was quite proud of himself. None of that was really a lie.

Hawke was certainly disappointed that the mage refused to reveal more. The thought of any man other than himself touching the gorgeous form that sat near him was bothersome, but that didn't stop the curiosity that he had. But it had become clear that nothing further would be said of the matter. And that left only his encounters to share. He would be honest with Anders.

"Like I said, I've only ever had sex with four people," Hawke started. "I've been with three elves and a human."

This caught Anders off guard. He was dreading listening to the man he desired so much talk of the women he'd been with. It wasn't enough that he didn't have a chance with Hawke due to his homosexuality, but now because he didn't have stupid pointy ears.

Hawke continued. "One would almost think it was because I'm really into elves. Not so. Just kind of worked out that way, I suppose. The human was, Isabella, of course." Hawke smiled a little, thinking back to the experience.

Any relief Anders felt from realizing that he didn't need to perform blood magic to change his ears was ripped away with that stupid, sexy smile of his. "Yes, now that would explain you stealing the salve from the clinic. Maker knows I treat that girl every week for something new she's got growing down there."

Hawke laughed, "I never admitted to stealing salve, but I certainly did need it after her. But you're really one to talk. You've been with her too, right? She referred to you doing 'that electricity thing' that neither of you would explain." That was something Hawke had fantasized about for months. What exactly could the mage do with his skills? Whatever he had imagined night after night, he was sure it couldn't possibly feel as good as the real thing.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Anders. "I did not perform that on her. She just happened to be there at the Pearl when it all went down. Said she wanted to watch, is all. And I was with a man, of course."

Hawke raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Yes, of course."

Anders drained his glass and refilled it. _Maker, help me._

"Anyway, that time with Isabella was just what it is for her and everyone else – a tumble for the sake of it. I was," he stopped short. What he wanted to admit was that he was just very, very frustrated. He had tried to flirt with Anders, and with nothing working, he'd gotten drunk, met up with his favorite pirate, and one thing led to another. There were regrets and painful urinations to be had the next day. "I was just drunk. Like I always am, I guess. And we had sex. Meaningless. Then I had sex with Merrill."

Naturally, Anders had just taken a big swig of bourbon and spit it halfway across the room, just missing the warrior, as he learned of this next endeavor. That was something that, no matter how Hawke explained it, would not sit right with him.

Hawke bit the inside of his cheek to hold back a laugh at Anders' reaction. "Yes, everyone's favorite bloodmage. Maker, was that ever a mistake. The poor girl, you know how she is – so lost and innocent – well, not so much. I found something on one of our missions and decided she might like it. I gave it to her, she thanked me, all was well with the world. Next thing I know, Bodahn let her in and she finds me in my room. Apparently she needed to give me more than just thanks for the gift. She's ready for a good ol' time. I don't know why, but I let it happen. She seemed really into it, so I thought, 'must be the way the Dalish give thanks.' Well next thing I know, she's professing her love for me. So I get the privilege of breaking her sweet little bloodmage heart. Regrets? Oh yes. Just please don't bring that up with anyone else. I think Varric would kill me."

Anders couldn't help but smirk. It was no secret how he felt about bloodmagic, and those who used it. He hated to think of Hawke with her, but at least he'd had to hurt her feeling in the end. That must be why he hadn't seen her in a while.

"Latest person I've been with was Fenris."

Anders eyes grew wide and the recently refilled glass in his hand was crushed instantly in the vice grip he'd had around it once he heard this news. Hawke was shocked at this reaction, but stood up to go find a rag to clean up the mess. He had to run off to the kitchen, and while he was gone, Anders had yet to blink or breathe. Hawke returned, handed the rag to Anders, and got down on his knees in front of the mage to pick up the broken glass. Had this been under any other circumstances, Anders would have been thrilled to have Hawke so close to his cock. But he had not felt an anger like this since he'd found out Karl had been made tranquil.

Hawke gathered the glass pieces, and set them out of the way. He was concerned as he looked at Anders. He knew the mage didn't particularly get along with Fenris, but surely that didn't warrant that sort of reaction. He couldn't think of any words to say and simply went back to sit down. He stared at the mage, waiting for something to happen.

Finally, Anders gathered his thoughts. "Fenris?" was all he managed to blurt out.

"Uh, yes, Fenris," Hawke confirmed. "It wasn't something we told anyone about." The entire reason that Hawke had initiated anything with Fenris was because of the same reason he had slept with Isabella – complete and utter sexual frustration. So long he had wanted to have something, anything, with the mage, but he just couldn't seem to make that happen. Hawke was attracted to women and men, but the feelings he had when he saw Anders had made him more sure about liking men. Being with Fenris at least gave him the ability to be with a man, even if it wasn't the one he desired. And it wasn't as though he didn't like the ever-brooding elf. Before anything happened, he had convinced himself that he would forget about Anders. He saw Fenris as someone that could take away that misery he had been feeling, and hopefully kindle something new. After their incredibly satisfying night together, Hawke had expressed interest in moving forward. But of course, Fenris freaked out and left Hawke regretting this experience as well. He was certain that is sexual life would never be anything more than this.

Hawke was silent. He hadn't felt so down about himself in quite some time. He hadn't expected that Anders would say anything, let alone what he did say.

"Let me get this straight. You and Fenris. You had sex with him. HIM? As in a man?" The mage had to fight back tears. He wasn't sure if it was from sadness or anger. "And not just any man. That son of a bitch who hates mages. Hates me. Hates what your sister is…what your own father was!"

Hawke started to say something but was cut off. "And what are you doing, Hawke?" Anders asked, his eyes wild with anger. "Are you just fucking your way through our group here? Who's next? Aveline. No, no…apparently you all of a sudden like fucking other men. Varric? Sebastian? Your dog?"

The warrior had had enough. He swiftly stood up and pointed at the still-sitting mage. "Shut your mouth! The fuck is wrong with you, Anders? Who cares if I was with a man? Andraste's tits, man – you're gay! You should get it!"

Anders wanted to scream out. He almost wanted Justice to step in and take over. The spirit was dormant, surely far too confused about what was taking place. How could he 'get it' or even respond? After years of thinking that the man he loved so dearly was straight when he clearly was not, there was nothing in the world he could think to say. Nothing would be able to come out in a clear sentence. After so much silence, he was left with little choice.

"Why Fenris?"

Hawke hardly knew how to answer. He wouldn't respond with the real reason; he couldn't. "Because I wanted to. He wanted to. But that was a one time thing, he made that very clear in the end. And I'm over it."

Anders still couldn't look at the warrior. Maybe that was why Fenris wasn't the one to take Hawke home after too many drinks. "So you just decided then that you were going to take up sleeping with men?"

"No," Hawke answered. "I've always been attracted to men. I'm not sure how that wasn't clear. Maker, I've even flirted with you."

"You flirt with everyone," Anders snapped back.

True, the warrior thought. There was no disputing that. But he had at least thought the flirtatious things he said to Anders were sincere and different from the others. He forgot it and moved on. "I only told you about three of the four."

Anders looked up at him. He didn't really want to hear it, but he might as well.

"When my family and I were finally allowed into Kirkwall, we lived with my Uncle Gamlen, as you know. Somehow, stupidly, I admitted to him that I'd never actually had sex before. So he got it in his mind that he would fix that, making up for all of the years of not knowing me and never giving me a birthday present. So when I turned twenty, he took me to the Blooming Rose, handed me 50 silver, and told me to find a pretty girl to have some fun with. He left, and I sat alone for a while thinking about what to do. I almost pocketed the money and just left. But the Madam saw me fumbling with the coin purse and convinced me to stay. Not having much coin, I didn't have that many choices. But I decided on the blonde one." He looked Anders straight in the eye. "I like blondes."

Anders gulped as he continued to listen. "Honestly I can't remember his name...started with a "C". He was a handsome elf, and he was kind. It was beyond obvious that it was my first time, but he still made me feel like I was a sex god." Hawke laughed a little. "I was scared…so fucking scared. I just didn't want Gamlen to find out I'd chosen a man, and that I'd liked it."

At this point, Anders really didn't know what to say. He'd found out so many things tonight. Things that if he'd known in the past, or had not been so blind to see, they could have potentially changed Anders' life. It was hard enough to breathe let alone think about it.

Hawke could see the look on Anders' face. The mage's brain was working overtime trying to process all that had just been revealed, but the warrior couldn't tell what Anders felt. It made him nervous. Had what he had said made the mage across from him disgusted to be in the same room as him? He didn't know, and that made nervousness turn to shame.

"I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm not particularly proud of any of that," the warrior admitted.

Anders smiled wearily over at him. _There should be comfort in that for me, right?_ he thought. He didn't know if he would ever be sure. Hawke liked men. Hawke liked blondes. And Hawke even admitted to him that he tried to make some sort of advance. All these thoughts caused a slight tenting in the mage's trousers. But these thoughts were the ones that would bring Justice back from the back of his mind, reminding Anders that nothing could ever occur between these two men. _The ultimate cock-block._ Anders had to be focused on the task at hand. And he would break Hawke's heart in the end. He could never have the man he loved. All the fantasies he had in the past, and all the ones he would surely have in the future…those would have to do.

 _Unless…_

Anders stood up. "Hawke, I'm sorry for yelling and…well whatever happened. I need to go."

Hawke protested. "Just stay the night. You can have my bed. I'm sorry, Anders. I can see that I've upset you, and-" he was cut off.

"Goodnight, Hawke," Anders said with a very evidently forced smile. He showed himself out of the estate. The sun was just starting to come up, the light hurting the mage's honey eyes. They stung with tears he had just barely been able to hold back. He couldn't have Hawke. But hopefully he could have a piece of him.

Tonight he would visit the Blooming Rose.

***

The rest of the day went by at a miserably slow pace. Rather than treat patients on very little sleep, Anders decided it was best to keep the doors to the clinic shut and just sleep. If someone needed him so badly, they could scream outside the door until the mage decided to do something about it. And yet, try as he might, sleep just would not come. He wasn't sure if it was the fear he had about actually going to a brothel later or just the upset he had felt from the just hours before. Things had ended on such a painful note and it was hard not to relive it in his mind.

Before Anders had found the courage to pick himself up and make the trek back to Darktown, he found himself shaking and unable to move. Slamming his back against the stone wall of the estate, he slid to the ground and just sobbed. Part of him hoped that Hawke might come looking for him, but it was clear he would not once the mage overheard an alarming crash and a scream within. Being a healer, he could distinguish the noise as that of frustration and not of pain. It was easy to see what a terrible situation these men had found themselves in. Anders knew now that Hawke must have some feelings for him, but there was no way he, or Justice for that matter, could let anything happen. His heart broke into a million pieces, and not even a greater healer than he could put it back together.

Inside the estate, Hawke began to do the only thing he could – destroy things. He grabbed the crystal containing the bourbon and threw it into the fire. The warrior didn't expect the small explosion caused by this, but it fueled him to lash out more. Screaming as loud as he could, he turned once-beautiful furniture into piles of split wood. And yet, somehow, this didn't take away the pain and rejection he had felt. Looking at the mess he created, he made a mental note to increase Bodahn's pay substantially.

Night had finally fallen, and Anders had managed to find the courage to go back to Hightown. As he walked, he played with the coin purse he had in his pocket. Though Hawke had stated that the prostitute he had been with only cost 50 silver, the mage brought all of the coin he had with him just in case. 3 sovereigns. It was so hard for him to make any money, what with money no longer growing on trees (not that Darktown had any trees), and running a free clinic. But he had managed to save here and there, especially after accompanying his friends on a mission around Kirkwall or the Free Marches. Hopefully it just wouldn't come to that.

Once he finally started concentrating on where he was going, he found himself not in the Red Lantern District, but just meters outside the Amell estate. _Fuck you, feet!_ he thought. It was hard enough trying to do this without any sort of distraction. But perhaps this was a good thing. Maybe he should just go talk to Hawke and this prostitute thing didn't have to happen. He would keep his coin, get some closure, and not have his balls itch from whatever diseases he was sure to acquire. He nodded and began to round the corner to where Hawke lived. Hearing voices, he stopped short.

"What do you mean I can't come in?" hissed a familiar voice.

"Don't come back to me crying about what a mistake you made. You were the one who chose to leave me." A voice so deep and melodic, it could only be…

Anders peered around the corner. Fenris had one foot on a step at the entrance to the estate. The anger in his face was nothing new. Try as he might, the mage couldn't see Hawke behind the opened door.

"I told you, I wasn't ready. I think I might be now," replied Fenris. There was something almost caring in his voice, something Anders had never heard before.

"What, am I supposed to wait around for you forever?"

"Why not me when you wait around for that filthy mage all this time? Can't you see he doesn't want you?"

There was silence. Anders wanted to scream out and intervene, but he knew he couldn't. His feet were desperate to run towards the scene, but something – no, someone – held them in place. _Leave them be, Anders. Go home and forget about this._

The door to the estate opened wider and Fenris walked inside. The click of the door shutting echoed over the stone walls surrounding the area. Yet this time, there were no tears. Anders turned and, much to Justice's disapproval, he walked towards his initial destination. _Fenris was right for once,_ Anders thought. He knew that he would only keep Hawke waiting. The warrior deserved to be happy. And happy was something Anders had forgotten about.

Unfortunately, the mage left just before Fenris was shoved back out the front door to the estate. Whatever Hawke had been thinking when he let the elf inside, he had shaken it away and realized he was wrong. Anders may keep him waiting, but he had already waiting nearly three years. What was another lifetime?

Anders had been in the Blooming Rose only once, and it was just how he remembered – absolutely disgusting. The last time, he was simply on a mission with Hawke, Isabella, and Varric. But tonight, he was on his own mission. _I think this is about the time I would have made a missionary position joke in my past life,_ thought the mage. Everything was just the same. The air smelled of dust, liquor, and sex. The music wasn't quite loud enough to drown out the moaning coming from the back. And for whatever reason, people were still asking if the mage was for sale.

He looked over and saw the madam by the bar, but he hadn't quite discovered the courage necessary to go talk to her yet. Instead, he went and sat at an empty table, once again playing with the coin purse in his pocket. If he stared down at the wood grain hard enough, surely no one would speak to him.

"This is not merely a place to sit and admire our find décor." The voice came from Anders' right. The mage looked up and saw the tall, white-haired woman staring down at him.

"I am Madam Lusine. Either pay for a good time, or I'll have to ask you to leave."

Anders gulped and found the courage to speak. He shuttered when his voice cracked as it had during puberty. "I-I have coin."

Madam Lusine smiled and held back a small chuckle. "Well, what is it that you are looking for tonight?"

The mage quickly looked around, not sure if he could find who he was looking for. His mouth was horribly dry. "I have a rather specific type of -," how could he put this lightly? "-partner I am looking for. I like elves."

The madam laughed, "You and everyone else. How is that specific?"

"Uh," why he couldn't speak, he wasn't quite sure. He was usually quite good with words, hence all of the manifestos. "Male elves. With blonde hair."

"Oh, now that is a bit more specific," Lusine said. "And how lucky for you, we have someone that meets that description working here. Unfortunately, he's a little busy at the moment. With another customer. But perhaps for the right amount of coin, he can muster up the strength to have a little fun with you."

 _Oh Maker just get up and run out of here,_ Anders thought. _More expensive, and I'd be sloppy seconds._ Not exactly how this night was supposed to pan out.

"How much more expensive?" He wasn't even sure if the words had come out of his mouth.

"Oh, perhaps 3 sovereigns."

 _You have got to be fucking kidding me._ There goes eating for a while. He pulled the gold from the coin purse and handed it to the woman who grabbed for it greedily.

"Excellent. I shall fetch him shortly, and he will get you. Now just wait here, Darling. It shouldn't be long."

Waiting here was not quite an option. Anders got up and ran outside to throw up. As little as the mage had eaten lately, an alarming amount of bile came up. He had no idea what he was doing. So much coin spent and he wasn't even sure if he was paying for the correct elf. And even if it was him, would any of this actually make him feel better, feel loved by Hawke? He knew the answer and quickly went back inside to collect his money.

As he entered, he nearly ran into someone. He stepped back to apologize when he realized who he was staring at.

"And here we just thought you were making a donation to our organization," said the blonde elf. He smiled. "I'm Cerimon."

"Anders," the mage managed to choke out. _Why in the name of the maker did you use your real name?_

"Anders. Let's see what I can do for you." The elf's small hand grabbed his hand and started leading him up the stairs and to a room in the back. Once inside, the door clicked behind him, and he turned around to look at the elf. It was almost creepy. His eyes were similar to that at the mage making it almost like looking an elven version of himself. _Like Hawke was with an elven version of me…_

"So," the elf started as he went to go sit on the edge of a large, surprisingly elegant bed to Anders' right. "You seem confused enough, so I'll assume this is your first time coming to a place like this." Anders' blank stare was all the confirmation the elf needed. "Here are my ground rules: no kissing, no hair pulling, and nothing too terribly kinky. That ok?"

Anders looked down at the elf and managed to slightly nod his head.

Cerimon removed his shirt and started unlacing his trousers. He looked at Anders who stood as still as a statue. "Honey, we don't have to do this if you're uncomfortable."

 _You get one chance to do this. Do not fuck it up.With that thought,_ Anders faked his best smile and began to remove his robes. It seemed to have been a lifetime since he had undressed in front of another man. He pushed those memories aside. This was something he had to do for himself because it was the closest he'd ever get to Hawke. Somehow the thought made removing his boots, trousers, and finally his smallclothes a little easier.

And there he was, in such a vulnerable state, still not sure if this was right. He looked to the elf for guidance. Cerimon, finally stripped of the rest of his clothes, smiled at the mage and worked his eyes over his body. Usually the men who sought out his company were less than pleasing to the eyes. You had your old guys, heavy guys, hairy guys, and everything in between. But this man that stood before him was a work of art. A little on the thin side, but beautiful none the less. Long, lean, and hard. His muscles were well toned, not exaggerated like those of a warrior. The elf would have assumed this man a rouge if not for his timid nature. And that was a bit bothersome for the seasoned prostitute. At this point, his guests were usually hard as a rock and ready to fuck him straight to the Void. Yet this beautiful man looked away from him, as flaccid as could be. That fact aside, what he saw was still impressive. He looked forward to seeing it at its full length.

Cerimon dropped to his knees in front of the mage. He placed his hands on Anders' hips and slid them down to his thighs. Anders looked down him and was surprised to actually see desire in the man's eyes. _If only he looked more like Hawke…_ Just the thought of his name sprung a little life into his cock. The elf moaned slightly. "There we go. Let me take care of you."

As he went to gently take the semi-hard erection into his hand, Anders placed his hand over the elf's. "I-," he had no idea how to do this, but he had to try. If not for the fantasy, he'd be wasting all of his money. "I've never done this before, so I don't know what is customary. But-"

The elf cut him off. "Normally I just please the guy and let him have sex with me."

Anders thought for a moment. He really had no clue the way any sexual encounter he could have with Hawke would turn out. But he knew that Hawke was a leader, a man who liked to take charge. And, Maker, did Anders love taking orders from that man. Each command was like a gift.

"I-I wondered if maybe it could be the other way around," the mage admitted, so quiet it was nearly inaudible. The elf tilted his head, perhaps trying to rehear the words.

"In my 10 years in this business, no one has ever asked that."

Anders didn't know how to respond. _You can still make a run for it. There may not be time to grab the clothes, but you could just run and run and never look back._

"I'd really like that," Cerimon admitted. He realized that this must be some way this man would fulfill some sort of fantasy he had, but it would be really nice to be taken care of every once and a while. The elf stood up and went over to the nightstand next to the bed, and opened the drawer. He pulled a rather large, half-filled vial of oil from it and handed it to Anders. "Here, Honey, you get yourself ready."

Exactly the opportunity the mage had been waiting for. As a healer, this place screamed of disease to him. He could take this opportunity to take care of that. He grabbed the vial from the elf and leaned against the headboard. The elf sat next to him and slowly began to pump his own erection. "Take your time."

Anders took a deep breath. Though he was a virgin, he had learned to become a master of taking care of himself. Fingering himself was something he did as often as he could in his younger years, but he couldn't remember doing it since his merger with Justice. _Well it's not like I'm happy with any of this,_ the spirit said in response to Anders' thoughts. As he uncorked the vial, he looked over at Cerimon. His eyes were closed as he continued to stroke himself. This gave Anders the opportunity to let a stream of blue light cleanse the contents of the vial as well as the man sitting next to him. He didn't want to come out of this situation with something unwelcome if he could help it.

Perhaps it was the magic's warmth that caused the elf's eyes to open. He looked over at Anders who had yet to prepare himself for the inevitable penetration. Taking matters into his own hands, he grabbed the vial, slathered three of his fingers in the oil, and started to work one of his finger's towards its destination before Anders had time to react. He nearly jumped at the sensation, but the elf, placed his free hand down on the mage's tight abdomen to steady him. "Ok, then turn over and make this easier for me."

The mage moaned at the thought. _Seems like something Hawke would say._ Without hesitation, the mage did as he was told and turned onto his stomach, positioned with his weight on his elbows and his knees placed under him for proper access to his entrance. That was a position he'd become far too familiar with when he was in solitary confinement in the Circle. The Templars liked to gather around the vulnerable mage and embarrass him this way. But he was surprisingly ok about this right now.

The elf smiled at the sight. He couldn't remember how long it had been since he had the chance with such a perfect specimen. He parted the man's cheeks, exposing the most delicate part of him. Slowly he teased a finger at the entrance, beckoning the mage to accept him. Anders did the best he could to relax and thinking about Hawke helped. Cerimon was finally able to slide one finger through the tight ring of muscle, and he was rewarded with an ever-so-slight moan. He moved the finger in and out slowly at first, and then a little faster. The far larger man did his best to keep still and keep quiet by biting onto his forearm in front of him.

A second finger was added and now worked with the first to scissor and stretch this most sacred space. Anders struggled not to push against the fingers, begging them to go further. But the elf, after so many years of working, was able to easily read his partners, and slowly added a third finger and pressed against the mage's prostate. It took everything Anders had not to scream out.

The elf was satisfied, and pulled his fingers out. He expected the man to stay put and then be entered, but to his surprise, Anders sat up and mauled the smaller man, his warm and eager mouth encompassing his cock. Cerimon was quite taken aback, not expecting that this was something the other man had in mind. He gasped as Anders took in his entire length. This human was a mystery; seemingly so inexperienced and scared one minute, and an expert at sucking dick the next. His greed and desperation took over and allowed him to lean back on his hands and watch the beautiful sight before him. The man at his length was consuming him as though his life depended on it.

The elf, mid-moan, reached down to stroke the other man's hair. It was amazing seeing his head bob up and down as he licked and sucked along his erection. The last time someone had done this for him, he was in a relationship. And he hadn't been in one of those since the start of his career. He didn't know what was going on through the other man's head, but he was elated that this was happening.

Anders was fully engrossed in his fantasy. As much as he wanted to look up at the man to receive some visual approval, he knew that it would ruin it. Replace this elf with a taller human with black hair, blue eyes, and a sarcastic smirk you wanted to slap off of his face…that would do it. _It's Hawke you're sucking off. Hawke is the one that's going to fuck you._ His own cock twitched at the lie. Taking his mouth off of the stiff erection in front of him, he looked down at it, but never its owner. It was impressive for that of an elf, at least he thought so not having experience with them. But he knew how much larger the man he loved must be, and that excited him more. He smiled and slowly licked it from its base to tip, and then he encompassed the whole length once more. One of his hands reached between the smaller man's thighs and gently stroked and tugged on his balls.

The elf tried to pull back. As much as he wanted release, he needed to give the man fair warning. "Stop, Anders, I'm going to cum!"

Anders grabbed the elf's slight hips and kept him in his place, but he removed his mouth from the elf to speak. "Cum on me, cum in me. I don't fucking care, just cum!"

That did it; the elf grabbed the mage's head, slammed it back down on his cock and came like he never had before. _This kid,_ he thought. _I should be paying him._

Anders swallowed the salty seed and sucked until the elf had nothing left to give. He took his mouth off of the other man, pulled himself up and laid back on the bed, eyes still closed. _Hawke just came in my mouth,_ he lied to himself. He couldn't have smiled bigger. He grabbed his own cock in his right hand and began to slowly stroke himself. He'd need to give the other man a rest before he could go again.

Cerimon continued to lay back on the bed where the mage had left him. It took all of his energy to look over at the small hour glass he had hidden on the far side of a lamp on the nightstand. Anything past the time would cost more. The sand had run out long ago, and he couldn't begin to care. Anders had paid him 6 times the normal amount, so as far as the elf was concerned, he could stay here with him all week if he needed to. He looked over at the tall man who leaned back against the headboard, silently stroking his long, delicious member. It was almost a shame that he wouldn't be feeling it inside of him. _Perhaps another time._

Ready again, the elf picked himself up and crawled over to Anders. With one hand, he gently stroked along the mage's jaw, feeling the rough stubble beneath his fingers. "Turn over."

Anders smiled and opened his eyes to look over at the elf. He may not look like Hawke, but he certainly was talking the way he had always imaging – strong, dominant, yet caring. The mage did as he was told and propped himself up on his hands and knees. He shook with something, maybe fear or anticipation, as he heard the cork come out of the vial of oil again. _It'll be fine. This is what you want…need._

The elf had sufficiently lubricated his cock and tried his best to position himself to enter the other man. Anders was tall, so kneeling by his entrance wasn't going to do the trick. He had to stand up and bend his knees, and finally he was able to press the head of his throbbing erection against that sweet ring of muscle. Anders shuddered, but pushed back at the elf, beckoning him to enter. As the elf pushed the very tip of his cock inside him, Anders bit down on his lower lip. He knew that pleasure came only after the pain, but he was still a little taken aback. The elf didn't dare push in further so he could allow the other man to adjust. Instead, he placed his small hands at each other Anders' hips and waited for the signal that he was ready.

It's Hawke back there. the mage told himself. _Just relax and let him in. Hawke wants to fuck you. You **need** him to fuck you._ With a small moan and pain starting to subside, Anders pushed back ever so slightly to let Cerimon know he was ready. The elf smiled, grasped onto those thin, angular hips and pushed in slowly until he was fully encompassed in the tight mage. The feeling was overwhelming, especially not having been put in this position in so many years. The warmth and grip around him made him wonder if this was how the hundreds of me who had fucked him had felt.

Slow and steady, the elf began to pull out of and then fully push his length back into his partner. Anders moaned and gripped as hard as he could against the silk sheets of the bed. The pain had fully gone, leaving him with a sense of pleasure he could hardly believe was real. With each stroke into him, he pushed back, begging to be taken to his deepest reaches. He thought of how Hawke's cock was undoubtedly thicker and longer, and this made him buck hard against the other man. He leaned down against his forearms now, taking one between his teeth to try to muffle his moans. "Oh fuck me, Hawke."

His eyes flew open realizing that those words had been audible and not just in his head. The elf behind him, quickening his pace responded, "Yeah, yeah fuck my cock!"

The mage was filled with relief. _Thank the Maker. I don't think I could have lived that one down._ He smiled and moaned as the other man pounded against him, the sound of flesh slapping against flesh so utterly intoxicating. And then finally, it happened. Cerimon had angled himself just slow to tease Anders' prostate with the tip of his length.

Moan after moan escaped the mage's mouth. He'd learned how to reach that special place with his fingers, but never before had it felt so good. He bucked, nearly losing control of his body. But the elf was stronger than he looked and did his best to keep him still, pumping in and out of him all the while, each stroke hitting it just so. "Oh, Maker, Hawke…"

No response came from the elf, giving Anders a sense of security that his moaning had made his words difficult to interpret. He was safe here with his imaginary Hawke fucking his brains out. One more long stroke, and the mage was lost. Any control he had over himself was gone as he came to the point of no return. His mind went blank as pleasure took over his body. From his balls and through his thick shaft, he felt the greatest release he had ever experienced. Stream after stream of his seed pulsed from him and landed under him onto the bed. His scream of joy and the full body spasm alerted his partner as to what had happened.

Thrilled with himself, Cerimon reached underneath his partner to grab onto to the spent member, the tip wet from its release. He was close as well, but not being sure Anders would want him to be inside of him when it happened, pulled out. He had only had a moment to begin to stroke himself to orgasm when the mage whipped his head back to stare at him, undeniable lust in his honey eyes, and nearly screamed out, "Fucking put it back inside me and cum!"

Shocked, the elf shook his head and then pushed himself back inside the man as hard as he could. _Wouldn't want to ruin the fantasy,_ he thought. It only took three more times of pushing back in, and he released as well. Not even his years of training in this profession could help him hold back his moans of joy. After a moment of holding himself inside, he pulled out and laid back on the bed to recover.

Anders couldn't believe the feeling, something so warm and slick inside him. He collapsed right onto his stomach, feeling his own sticky seed under him. _You disgust me,_ Justice finally admitted after the whole ordeal. _And you need to shut up more often,_ the mage silently retorted. He wanted nothing more than to just lay here and think about Hawke, but he was pushed back into reality all too soon.

The elf gently placed a hand on the man's back, encouraging him get up some. Anders obliged and rolled over on his side to view Cerimon. The elf leaned down and planted a long, gentle kiss on the mage's lips.

"All rules fly out the window when I get a night like this," the elf said. "I haven't had this much fun in years."

Anders smiled and closed his eyes. This had been better than he expected. He only hoped that this feeling would last by the time he made the trek back to Darktown.

"So, Hawke, huh?" The words made Anders' eyes fly open. He nearly chocked on his own spit. _That's ok. Choke. Dying would be the best option now._

Cerimon released a low chuckle. "It's ok, you know? The fantasy is the reason I'm here, Anders. If everyone could fuck whoever they wanted, I'd be out of work. And who wouldn't want to be with someone like that?"

 _KEEP CHOKING! I NEED TO DIE NOW!_ His eyes did all of the screaming that he couldn't.

The elf sat up, laughing heartily this time. "Do you know him, or just of him? He is the Champion, after all." There was no reason to ask. Even if he wanted to, Anders would never be able to answer him. "I'm not really supposed to say anything about my customers, but he used my services once, years ago. He was very young then. Inexperienced, yet confident, none the less. You don't forget a face or body like that…" he trailed off.

 _I'm having a brain aneurism. It'll all be over soon._

Cerimon just smiled and leaned in to kiss the mage again. "You come back any time you'd like, free of charge. And I will be your Champion."

***

In the following two months, Anders had taken advantage of the offer. Often, the elf had offered to pay Anders, but he declined. Money would be nice but he refused to be a prostitute's prostitute. He was just pleased that he hadn't died in that room at the Blooming Rose the first time. But each time got better, at least until he left to go home. Each walk back to his clinic was filled with mixed emotions. He always came away satisfied, yet he couldn't get past the fact that it was only just a fantasy – one that could never come true. It also didn't help that he took the long road home each time, just to look at the outside of Hawke's estate. His leader was never outside. There was no reason he would be.

That was, except for the last time the mage ever went to the Blooming Rose. He'd just spent several hours with Cerimon, and made his way by the estate. To his surprise, Hawke was sitting on one of the steps. _Just keep walking,_ he though, looking away and quickening his pace.

"Anders?"

He stopped dead in his tracks. There was no way to avoid that voice, the will of that man. Hawke could have told him to kill himself, and he probably would. He turned to walk towards the estate, his steps far too eager.

"What are you doing out here in Hightown this time of night?" Hawke asked. He was smoking a cigarette, something Anders had never seen him do before. The stench of darkroot stung his nostrils.

"Since when did you take up smoking?" he asked to avoid Hawke's question.

"Sometime between when we lasted talked and now." Hawke looked away as he said it, taking the cigarette into his mouth. There was hurt in his voice. Anders had avoided him since the night they spent drinking in the estate.

"Well, quit. It's terrible for your health. Add that to all of the drinking you do an-"

Hawke stood up and cut him off. He threw the cigarette down and stepped on it. Stepping towards the mage, he took his right hand and grasped the other man's chin to direct it his face towards him. "And what would you know about my health, Anders?"

Their eyes locked, and Anders could hardly breathe. "I-I'm a healer, Hawke. You know that. It is my job to care about your health."

Hawke let go of the mage and growled. "If you cared about my health – me – at all, you'd stop avoiding me. Do you have any idea how miserable I've been? Every time I go to the clinic, you're not there or your assistants make sure I leave. You never come to the Hanged Man anymore. Not even Varric has been able to keep tabs on where you were through all of his connections. For all I knew, you'd just fucking left."

"I can't leave Kirkwall," Anders said quietly. He couldn't leave because of the issue with the mages and Templars here. But he also couldn't leave because Hawke – his heart – was here.

"Then what is it, Anders?" Hawke asked. "What in the name of the Maker did I say to cause this to happen?"

 _It wasn't so much you said. It's what I saw the next evening…Fenris._ The mage could never admit he saw this. "I just know that it's best if we keep our distance." It was the hardest thing he'd probably ever had to say, no matter how true they were. His statement had caused Hawke to straighten up, glaring at him. He wasn't sure if it was anger, hurt, or a combination of the two.

"Damnit, Anders! What is so awful about me?"

The words broke Anders' heart. _It's not that at all. It's all me – Justice._ He couldn't speak. He just let his head hang there in the silence. He wondered if Hawke would say anything or just walk away. Something needed to happen, even if it was Hawke punching him in the face again.

After an eternity of waiting, Hawke spoke, the softest the mage has ever heard him. "Have a nice life, Anders. I won't bother you anymore." As he turned to walk away, Anders quickly reached out and grabbed his wrist to pull them close. Their eyes locked.

"I'm no good for you!" the mage finally managed to admit. "I will hurt you, and that's the last thing in the world I want. I love you too much to do that to you." He nearly choked on these last words. _Why don't you ever fucking think about things before you say them?_ He looked away, unbelievably embarrassed.

Hawke tilted his head at the words, hardly sure if they had actually been spoken or if it had just been the desire in his heart that made him believe it true. "You love me?" he dared to ask.

Anders could barely turn his gaze to look at the other man. "Since you first helped me out with Kar-"

He had barely finished his sentence when Hawke grabbed the sides of his head and plunged their lips together. The kiss was hard and greedy with the tension that had been between them for the past three years. Anders parted his lips to allow the warrior better access. Hawke's tongue worked its way inside the mage's warm, welcoming mouth. This was a feeling neither man had ever experienced. There was passion there, and love. Though both had fantasized about this moment, one they both believed would never occur, it was nothing compared to this. Every hair stood on end, stomachs jumped. It should have lasted forever. Unfortunately, lasted no longer than a minute when Hawke pulled them apart. Anders moaned out in disapproval, not wanting their connection to ever end.

"I don't want you to be good for me. I can live with hurt; I'm a badarse warrior, remember? Maybe I'd like to be hurt. Maker, maybe I want to hurt you. I just know that I don't want to go another minute without you." His smile was intoxicating. He kissed the man across from him once. "And I've loved you for just as long."

The two men crashed together again, the passion between them was palpable. How they ever made it inside to Hawke's bedchamber was a mystery.

***

It had been several months since the two men had found each other. Life had changed, much like the leaves in the Free Marches; Anders had moved into the Amell estate and Leandra had died. Even though Carver had died long ago, and Bethany had been taken away, it took his mother's death to make Hawke realize how important those he loved were to him. Had it not been for Anders by his side, he would have gone completely insane. It took time to cope, but every night he could spend next to his lover would mend his broken heart. He could somehow still feel like the luckiest man in the world. Anders was his, and he, too, belonged to the mage.

Anders had been the warrior's rock, which was such a funny thought to him. Without him really knowing, Hawke had kept his demons at bay. Justice still growled and preached in the back of his head, but he had new purpose in life beside the plight of the mages. When Leandra had died, he had told Hawke that he could take out his frustrations on him. He was, after all, a mage just like the man that had taken his lover's mother. He could take away some of the pain Hawke felt, and it was so nice to be needed – both emotionally and physically.

Hawke was an amazing lover, more so than Anders had ever been able to imagine. He was sexy, dominant, and strong. Everything the mage had imagined, all the roleplaying done with Cerimon…it was nothing compared to the real deal. Dominant as he might be, Hawke was a kind and generous lover. Everything Anders wanted, things that he had no idea he wanted, came to life when he and the warrior were together. Hawke took care of him. And he took care of Hawke.

One unusually warm evening, long past dark, the mage walked tiredly up the stairs to the bedroom, making every attempt to open the door quietly as not to awaken his sleeping lover. The room was dim, the light of the fire barely still lit. It was just enough for him to see the large mabari hound in the corner and Hawke lying on their large bed. Anders couldn't help but smile. Hawke was always such an awkward sleeper. Most nights, he'd roll over and hit Anders in the face, or occasionally end up falling to the floor. Tonight one of his legs was hanging half off of the bed. The mage began to unbuckle the ties of his robe to take it off when he felt a large pillow smack him in the back of the head.

He turned around, barely able to see Hawke sitting upright in the dim light. "Why are you constantly coming home so late? Do I need to worry about you seeing another man?"

Anders smiled and continued to undress. "Love, you know I was just working. And you need not worry about such things. I live to please only you. Now go back to bed."

"Never! I just got you back, and I'm terribly horny."

Anders chuckled. "You should write romance novels with Isabella." In just his smallclothes, he walked over to the fire and used a small fire spell to set the remaining wood ablaze. The dog came over to greet him, and he obliged the hound with a smile and a pat on the head. He turned to see his lover, now fully illuminated. Hawke's body was something that would have been a true inspiration for artists. Years of marching and yielding a sword had defined each of his muscles in such a glorious way. It often times made the mage feel insecure about himself. He, too, was quite fit. But he was a much slighter form.

"Come over here already," the warrior commanded. Anders walked over and sat on the bed opposite of Hawke. He intended to stare into his lovers eyes, but it was difficult when Hawke insisted upon sleeping naked, weather permitting. Now his incredibly impressive erection stood at attention, and there was no way Anders could look anywhere else.

"It's not going to suck itself."

Anders laughed and leaned in to punch Hawke in the stomach. As his fist bounced back against the tight muscles of his defined abdomen, the mage looked up into those beautiful blue orbs. "You're impossible. I just walked all the way from my clinic after a long day of work. I might be tired."

"Maybe someone shouldn't work so far from home." The warrior leaned forward and almost effortlessly pulled Anders over him and down against his chest. The blonde smiled and gripped onto the other man, never wanting to let go. The rested his head against Hawke's heart, listening to the rhythmic pounding against his chest. He was truly at home here.

"I was thinking about that night we were drinking in the lounge when I was trying to fall asleep earlier. You never have told me what made you so mad that evening."

It was a subject Anders never really wanted to discuss. But he was good at avoiding things. "Maybe it was the fact that you punched me."

Hawke laughed. "You deserved it for being such a dick. And you're a healer. It's not like I left a mark on your beautiful face."

 _Not so true._ For reasons he still wasn't sure of, he'd never healed himself. He had had a bruised jaw for weeks.

"Anyway, that didn't answer my question. You stayed after that to talk for a while, and then you flipped out and left. I want you to tell me. I'm tired of trying to figure out what happened."

Anders sighed. _I suppose there really is no way around it._ "It was just frustration, Love. I had loved you for so long, and I never knew that you felt the same. I didn't even know you were attracted to men, for Maker's sake."

"Not men, you," Hawke corrected sternly.

"Yes, you're charming. Anyway, I was so conflicted by realizing that you liked me and knowing that we really shouldn't be together. It wasn't something I wanted to do. I just had to do it."

"Well if you were staying away from me, then what brought you back to Hightown that first night we had together?"

This was something Anders had never even considered telling Hawke. He wasn't particularly proud of all of those nights spend with the elf. There was no way he could speak. But his silence was deafening and Hawke was having none of it.

"Anders."

"You reek of smoke, Hawke. I told you to quit already."

The warrior ignored him. "Anders, tell me." Ugh, there it was – the very voice that would have him jump off of the top of the Chantry if it asked him to do so.

"I was leaving the Blooming Rose." His words were nearly a whisper. "I was frustrated, and I didn't know what else to do."

Hawke, to his surprised, just laughed. "Oh please don't tell me you slept with Jethann. I saw the way he looked at you when we went to talk to him that one time."

"No," Anders responded. _Might as well just come clean. He'll hound it out of me anyway._ "I was with an elf though. A blonde named Cerimon."

Hawke pushed his lover back so he could look at him better. "Wait, was that the-"

"Yep."

The warrior wasn't sure what to think. He had always hated thinking of Anders being with anyone but him, but this was a unique situation. He would have to investigate. "Go on."

"What's to tell?"

"How about the entire story?"

The mage groaned. He really was tired and regretted answering Hawke's questions. _I could have just slept back at the clinic to avoid all of this._ But it was too late for that, and he knew he'd get no sleep until he revealed what the other man so desperately wanted to know.

"I figured I'd never be able to be with you. But I could at least be with someone who had."

 _Ok, this is kind of hot,_ Hawke thought to himself. _A little sad, but hot none the less._ "So did you pretend he was me when you had him?"

Anders pulled back further and positioned himself next to Hawke, back pressed against the headboard. He sighed and pinched his thumb and index finger against the bridge of his nose. "Andraste's flaming knickers, Hawke, must you pry?" He knew the answer. He could almost feel the smile spreading across the other man's lips. "I had him fuck me."

He felt one of Hawke's large hands touch his chest, graze one of his nipples, and then slide down to rest on his abdomen, a single finger tip just barely slipping under the waistband of his small clothes. Warm lips were placed against nape of his neck, then tenderly nipped and then licked against his pulse. Hawke's voice hummed against him. "I'm going to take you up on your offer from a while ago. Tell me – show me – in much detail as I fancy."

Anders wasn't exactly sure how he felt about this proposition from his lover. While it was a pleasant surprise to realize that Hawke wasn't mad or disgusted with him from merely sleeping with Cerimon, he wasn't sure what the warrior's reaction would be to what actually took place. But all of those thoughts aside, something had been requested of him, and he would never be able to deny the other man.

He felt Hawke move, the touch from his hand still lingering on his aching body. He felt his growing erection strain against his smallclothes. Hawke sat up and smiled at Anders, loving the mixed look of confusing and want in his face.

"Ok so get started, Anders. How'd everything happen?"

"You really want every little detail?" Hawke's smile was enough to answer that. He really wasn't sure where to get started. How about the beginning?It was just the thought of reliving what had happened that was holding him back. Roleplaying his past roleplay? It was odd, especially because the two lovers hadn't done anything like this yet in their still-blossoming sexual relationship. He got up from the bed and walked over to open up the bedroom door.

"Yeah, I suppose you have to make an entrance. How should I sit? Was he splayed out on the bed like a whore?"

Anders rolled his eyes as he called the dog to make him exit the room. He didn't appreciate an audience. At least not the canine kind. As he made his way over to the side of the bed, he beckoned Hawke to stand up next to him. "Actually, we walked up to the room together and then I just stood around, probably looking horrified."

Hawke tried his best to suppress a laugh knowing that there was no doubt Anders had been scared out of his mind. He leaned in to kiss his lover when he felt a few fingers pressed against his lips. "No kissing, Love. That's part of the rules." Finally, there was the smile the warrior had been looking for on his lover.

Straightening up, the nude warrior looked at the man before him. "And did you just stand there in your smalls forever?"  
"Of course not. I took them off, and the elf was taken aback by my massive dick." He stepped out of his shorts and tossed them to the ground. "Now worship it like the prostitute did."

With that _damn smirk,_ Hawke looked down at Anders' engorged length, mentally doing as he had been told. But he wasn't that dumb. "I thought you said that he was the one in charge. I just don't think I can believe that happened, no matter how glorious your cock is."

"You got me there," the mage said as he took a step towards Hawke. He placed his hands on the other man's chest and slowly slid down to his knees, his hands teasing that gorgeous Ferelden skin. He took his lover's length into one hand and kissed and nipped along the warrior's left pelvic bone. He could feel Hawke going a little weak in the knees, especially when he took his cock fully into his mouth, suppressing a gag with a soft moan. He gave it a few sucks and then pulled back. "I gave him a blowjob."

Hawke placed his hands on the mages head and struggled to replace his glorious mouth back on his now-throbbing member. "Yeah, gathered that, Darling. Now get back to it."

Anders pushed his hands away and smiled as he stood back up. "I would, had that been how it happened." He walked over to the bed, grabbing the oil out of one of their nightstands. "Get up here."

Hawke followed after giving his aching length a few good strokes. "Fucking tease." He sat up on the bed opposite Anders, eager to see where this was going. Anders pushed the oil into the palm of his hand, and then he turned over onto his hands and knees, his arse to his lover.

Needing no further instruction, Hawke uncorked the vial moved closer to Anders. "You made him prepare you?" he asked as he bit his lower lip. The blonde simply nodded, pushing his arse up in the air a little more to entice the warrior. With a smirk, Hawke recorked the vial and set it off to the side. He crawled behind Anders, bending forward to take each perfectly rounded cheek into his large hands. A small moan left the mages lips. He warrior slid his hands down to the other man's thighs, pushing them apart to get a better view. He leaned forward and down to lick and kiss Anders' balls and scrotum.

The mage let out a louder moan, pushing back towards Hawke. The warrior slowly licked up from his balls along the sensitive place above until he reached his goal, the tight entrance just exposed as he pulled the cheeks apart. With only the tip of his tongue, he teased along the sweet ring of muscle for a few seconds and then pulled back.

Anders whipped his head around, pressing back as much as he could to get back to what had just happened. "Dammit, Hawke, get back there!" It was more of a loud whine than a command.

"I didn't hear a 'please' in there."

Anders gripped onto the sheets. "Please, Love, I'm begging you. More…more…"

Hawke answered with a hard smack to the other man's right butt cheek. "And is that how the elf prepared you?" There was no reply, but he knew the answer was 'no'. He leaned back on his hands, smiling and taking in the view. "Then no more for you."

Anders growled, "Not fair! Not fucking fai-" he was cut off by another loud smack across his arse.

"Just like it wasn't fair what you just did to me, was it, Darling? Besides, we need to carry on with how this _actually_ happened." With that, he leaned over to get the vial again, uncorked it, and, in his excitement, covered most of his hand rather than just a few fingers. "How many did he use?"

The excitement was killing the mage. He was desperate for some sort of touch, but knew there was no way to discretely touch himself or rub up against the bed like a teenage boy would. He just kept pushing back towards his lover. "Two, I think. But you'll need to use more than that, and you know it."

The warrior smiled because he did know it. Three fingers were never really enough to prepare Anders for him, but he never used more. He had discovered the mage was aroused by punishment, and who was he to deny him? He leaned closer and slowly slipped a finger into his lover's rectum, not really giving him time to open up. He was rewarded with a moan and something that sounded close to a 'fuck yes'. That was all the approval he needed to begin adding the other fingers, one at a time.

Anders rocked back and forth to the movement of Hawke's fingers, silently begging him to reach his prostate. But the warrior could see right through the mage, and wasn't about to give him that satisfaction, at least not this quickly. He worked his fingers at an agonizingly slow pace, always just missing the sweet, swollen gland. Anders was so beautiful when he was frustrated, and he wasn't about to miss that.

But Anders, too, knew his lover well. They hadn't been together that long, but he had read Hawke cover to cover, learning everything he could about the dark-haired man. Hawke needed to be dominant, in control (not that Anders didn't love it), but he didn't always need to have his way immediately. So he decided he would just enjoy the ride and not get worked up just yet. And _there_ it was.

Hawke had grown too frustrated not getting exactly what he wanted from his lover. He, ever so slightly, grazed Anders' prostate with a single finger. He was rewarded when the mage couldn't help but buck his hips. But rather than beg for more as he expected, Anders had remained silent. He did it once more and was still disappointment when Anders failed to say anything. He'd had enough.

"Fuck, Anders, don't you want it?" he growled as he pressed all three fingertips firmly onto that sweet spot. Anders bit down hard on his lower lip to prevent him from moaning. He would win this one.

Licking the blood from his lip, he finally gathered the strength to respond. "I do, but that's not how it _actually_ happened." He pulled himself away, feeling the fingers leave him. He moved up to support himself only onto his knees, turned around, and then pushed Hawke onto his back. His smirk was almost sinister.

Spreading the warrior's meaty thighs, Anders kneeled between them and began to pick up where he had left off earlier. He brought the erection between his lips to its full length and hardness as he began to slowly work his way up and down it. He took his lovers balls into one of his palms and began rolling and massaging them.

Once Hawke managed to realize that this was indeed still real life, he pushed his upper half up to be supported by his left hand. He used the other to reach down to stroke his lover's hair and finally pull away the tie holding back most of it. He liked seeing the blonde locks, slick with sweat, line the contours of his face - especially when he was in such a state as this. _There certainly is no sight more glorious than this,_ he thought, watching his length completely disappear into Anders' skilled mouth. His moan was nearly turned into a scream when the mage began using his silent spells to heat up and then chill this engorged, throbbing length.

"Fuck, you did that for him?" almost regretting that this would cause Anders to move his sweet lips away to answer.

The mage used the back of one of his hands to wipe away the moisture left on his lips, but began to palm against Hawke's erection as not to leave him hanging completely. "No, Love. My magic is only for you. I just wanted to make up for teasing you earlier." With that, Hawke waited for Anders continue, be just smiled down at him, his hand moving at an agonizingly slow pace. _Still teasing…_

Hawke sat up and pushed Anders onto his back and pulling the fingers from around him. He crawled over the mage until his knees were next to the other's shoulders. With one hand, he pulled his leaking cock away from his abdomen and shoved it in the blonde's mouth. He hissed as he felt teeth grazing over the skin, the mouth not opened wide enough yet to accommodate him without such a sensation. He began to slowly pump in and out of Anders' mouth and failed to feel any resistance from the man under him. "Stop. Fucking. Teasing. Me."

Anders just laughed as he sucked on the almost uncomfortably long length in his mouth. _Might as well finish the poor guy_. With that thought, he raised his hands up to grasp the hips above his shoulders. He would need a ground. He squeezed and did his "electricity trick." Hawke shook above him, moaned, and released thick white ropes of sperm down his lover's throat.

"Fuck, yeah, An-nders," he managed to groan out, coming to the end of his release. "Swallow it. All of it." The mage did as he was told and looked up at Hawke when he was finished. With that, the warrior pulled out of the wet mouth, still mostly hard, and collapsed on the bed next to Anders. The mage just smiled and stroked himself slowly as he had done that first night in the Blooming Rose. He couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself.

It was only a few minutes later when Anders felt the bed next to him move. He looked over to see Hawke, an almost drunken smile on his face, moving towards him. He could see the man wanted to kiss him, but he had remembered that stupid rule Cerimon had in place. Instead, he watched as his lover moved between his knees, pushing away his hand on this erection. Hawke, kissed and nuzzled his length and then licked it from base to tip. He hadn't shaved this night, and his stubble scrapped against him unfomfotably.

The mage shuddered and regretted what he had to say. "No, Love. He didn't do that for me. We had sex after that." He looked down at the beautiful blue eyes and could see a bit of disappointment in them.

Hawke heard him but still took the head of his lover's dick into his mouth, sucking on and licking at the slit. He pulled back and smiled as he watched Anders try to hold his body back from writhing. "I know. I just hate not being able to repay the favor. Now get up and let me fuck you how the dirty little elf did."

Anders rose with excitement and got back on his hands and knees. Hawke straightened up and moved behind the mage. He spit into his hand and coated his cock before lining up the head with the tight hole in front of him. Halfway not sure if he'd used enough spit and halfway not even caring, he began to push inside the other man. Twin moans left both of them as Hawke grabbed Anders' hips and thrust in deeper.

"This is the way he had you? Why not face to face?" he warrior asked as he found a steady rhythm.

"You know why," the mage responded, gripping onto the sheets below him.

"But I want to _hear_ it," the other man hissed. He took his right hand and reached under his partner to grab his neglected length. The tip was dripping with precum.

"If I looked at him, I'd see that it wasn't you that was fucking me. I had to believe it was you."

The warrior smiled and leaned over the other man to kiss and lick up his spine. He gave Anders' aching cock a few good strokes. "Good boy." And that was all Anders needed after all of the excitement of the night. He'd hoped to last more, but he cried out as he spilled into his lover's hand.

Hawke pulled out of Anders and used his cum-covered hand to coat his own cock and then thrust it back hard into the mage. Anders cried out at the sensation. He may have been spent, but he could still ride out the rest of this experience.

It was only a few more minutes until Hawke came to his own release. He was a very fit man, but he still collapsed onto Anders' back, pushing them both against the mattress. If it weren't for the thought of crushing the poor mage below him, he would have gladly stayed like this forever. He rolled over to relieve the poor man, pulling his spent cock out.

It took him a minute to just catch his breath, but when he did, he looked over at the blonde. Anders' eyes were closed, but the smile on his face was all he needed to see. Hawke inched his way over to the other man and wrapped his arm around his middle. "Lucky elf."

Anders laughed and scooted down to reposition himself so their foreheads were pressed together. He kissed his lover passionately. "I can easily say it wasn't as good as this was."

Hawke kissed him back and smiled. He was exhausted and knew the mage was too. He closed his eyes, snuggling against the man who had stolen his heart. "Lucky me."


End file.
